


What I'm Not

by specificskillset



Category: Firefly
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-27
Updated: 2013-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-27 02:11:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/656923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/specificskillset/pseuds/specificskillset
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She tries so hard, but it's only ever almost enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I'm Not

She tries so hard to be careful when she flies. 

The flying itself is easy enough. Serenity knows the movements, knows what to do, she just needs someone to hold her hand. 

The hard part is not being able to forget. It's fun and free and she's in control of something for once. But even when she's losing herself in the stars, she can't forget, her mind running checks, making sure.

Kaylee in the engine room, Simon in the engine room. Nara's in her shuttle, Mal's asleep in the med room, Jayne's fondling Vera, and Zoe, where's Zoe? Other end of the ship, and River can breathe and River can fly. 

She knows Zoe knows she's here. She also knows how much Zoe hurts because of it. 

So even when it's so easy to get lost out here, she protects everyone. Everyone, but especially Zoe.

 

xxxxx

 

They don't talk about him anymore. It's only been months, and no one will say a word until Zoe does. River can't stand the way his toys call to her, the way she can't touch them. _They're not mine,_ she whispers, _all gone home, you should follow_ , she warns. They never listen, just stay stubbornly there, everyone too wary to touch. Except for one night, when everyone's asleep and she's curled up like a cat in the left seat, listening to everyone breathing. This is when Serenity's happiest, she can feel it. No one's hurting, and Serenity likes that. 

Except for one night, when River hears footsteps and closes her eyes, feeling Zoe's solid, calm presence push into the room. Her footsteps are silent, she's used to creeping, but River feels them all the same. 

Zoe reaches out and touches a dinosaur, stroking it softly and River just _feels_. And she shouldn't, she knows she shouldn't. Simon's explained this before, she understands, that this is private, Zoe and Wash are private. Except this is so much worse, so much more intimate than anything she's felt before and oh, she shouldn't. 

'Hey, honey,' Zoe says softly, hands still drifting over the dinosaurs, sweeping the controls. Deep breath, in, out and River breathes with her. 

'Felt her kick this morning. First time,' Zoe continues, quiet and controlled. River smiles, just a little, because she's known this baby long enough to love it with all her heart, this child of Serenity. 

'She's gonna be beautiful. She'd make you cry.' Zoe's head bows, throat chokes up, and River's trying so hard to shut off, to get lost in the stars again, but she can't. Zoe's head slowly turns, and River turns with it, seeing herself with Zoe's eyes. In itself, not an unusual experience, but the violent clash of emotions,...that part's different. Anger and jealousy and pain and River almost, almost cries out because _it hurts_. But then she feels it. The glimmers of deep affection, of love even. Of protection and sadness and acceptance, and this almost makes River cry in a different way.

'She's getting as good as you, love,' Zoe says, and she's not talking about the baby anymore.  _That's not true_ , River almost says, _Serenity still loves him more_. But she doesn't.

'Turn our brains inside-out, set us all on fire cause she feels like, but....she's almost good as you.' Zoe stands in one fluid motion, calm and still once again. 

'I love you,' She says with a smile as she leaves. 

 

xxxxx

 

'Gorramit, girl, get over this side!' Mal snaps. Bastards on their tail, and she's trying so hard from where she is. And she can't move. Everyone is there and tense and waiting. Beat of silence, waiting. Then bullets rain down and Mal screams at her again but she can't, she can't, she can't.

'Can't be more than what I am,' she mutters, frantic, the noises overwhelming. 'Can't do that, ever,' 

Mal comes over, takes her face in his hands, oddly gentle. 

'Listen to me, girl, you don't move us, fast, we die. Get us out of here.'

Behind him, Zoe leaves. River stares at the dinosaurs and they egg her on. 

'Shut up,' she whispers to them as she waltzes over, ignoring Mal's glare. 

She places her hands on the controls, softly, gently, not wanting to intrude. She can feel his hands there, holding Serenity possessively. She takes a deep breath and soldiers on.

Between her, Kaylee and Serenity, they've lost their chasers in minutes. The thrill is exalting and she can't help laughing and running down to the engine room to hug Kaylee, and spin her around, feeling Serenity glowing around them.

Zoe catches her on her way back, a soft hand on her shoulder. 

'Good flying,' She says, hint of a smile. River smiles back, placing a gentle hand on Zoe's belly. Zoe glances down, almost bemused, but she knew. 

'He loves you,' River says matter-of-factly, staying only a beat longer before fluttering away.

 

xxxxxxxxxx

 

After that, she starts using his chair more often. It's comfortable, more lived-in, the controls on the side more loved. She can still feel his hands on them. But this time it feels like a caress, like he's keeping her safe as well. 

She can't be him. But she's trying something else. 

Serenity can feel him too, she's sure. Sometimes she just knows, when she pushes a lever, presses a button, Serenity can feel him.

She still doesn't touch the dinosaurs.

Zoe learns how to sit there with her. River's not sure if Zoe can feel him too, but she likes to think so. 

'He liked you,' Zoe says one day, hands drifting absently over her stomach. 'He didn't say much, but he liked you.'

'I know,' River replies. 

'Course you do.'

She pulls herself out of the chair, with a little more effort than usual. Her hands gently fly to the dinosaurs, touching each on the head as she walks out. 

 

xxxxxxxxxx

 

They're all playing ball. Well, Nara's sitting on the railing with Zoe, but they're enjoying it as much as the rest, and that counts. River's getting thrown in the air by Mal and Jayne both as they try and get her to push the ball through the hoop. Kaylee and Simon are trying to get it back, but for all their emotions, they're still just a little too awkward moving together.

'You're not very good at this,' she tells Simon solemnly, weaving the ball in and out of his grabbing hands. He just laughs and pushes her shoulder. She lets him, throwing the ball as high as she can at the same time. It comes down in Kaylee's hands, just as Zoe cries out, hands on her stomach. Everyone's immediately on alert, Simon darting over almost quicker than Nara can reach out a hand. Mal loops Zoe's arm over his shoulder, Nara takes her spare hand, whispering quiet, comforting words. They share a look as his hand brushes Nara's back, too small for anyone to notice, but River smiles all the same. They go with her to her room as Simon gets his med bag. And River wants to follow, but she doesn't. She's not wanted, and that's alright. She already knows what the babe will look like, all dark eyes and hair and that air about it....that feeling of happiness, of lightness, of freedom that's all her fathers. 

So River stays and smiles. 

 

xxxxxxxxxx

 

The girl grows so quick, and it seems that River's the only one doesn't complain about it. That's the way life goes, day by day, and no one else understands, all wanting time to freeze so they can get their moments with her. 

But River doesn't mind the moments passing. The memories make her happy when the moments are gone.

And oh, she's beautiful. so in tune with Serenity it's like they're made for each other. And Serenity loves her back even more, if that were possible, loves her from her hair to her toes, because she's everything the ship has missed, and all it's ever wanted. 

And River can never love her that much, but she loves her all the same. Sometimes when it's quiet, she hears the pattering of tiny, hurried feet and just the sound itself makes her laugh. And the little ball of happy energy runs in and jumps into her lap and goes straight for the dinosaurs every time. And every time, no matter where they are or where they're going or who's chasing them, River names every one. 

 

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

Zoe comes in one day chasing, out of breath and smiling and all her calm is gone for once and it makes River smile. 

The small weight on her lap wriggles and squeals, but Zoe just stops, smiling at them both, River's arms wrapped tight around the little girl with dinosaurs in each hand. 

And there's still a flash, just a tiny flash, _thatshouldbehim,_ but it fades. Zoe fakes a huge sigh, falling smoothly into the left seat. 

'You made me tired, little one!' The girl giggles. She squeezes out of River's arms and runs over to join her mother, scrambling ungracefully up her legs.

'Momma, tell me a story.'

'Years and years ago, before you were born, a man was sitting in that seat, right there. And we were being chased by some real bad men and he saved us. You wanna know how he saved us?'

'Yes!'

'Well....'

Zoe's eyes flicker up and meet River's. And there's no anger. No blame, no jealousy. There's love and acceptance and pain, but it's easy and natural and beautiful and River can't help smiling. 

'And that was your daddy. That was Wash.'

 

 


End file.
